The Man who Couldn't See Himself in the Mirror

It was a Sunday in the middle of a humid Summer. Jackson hadn't been able to sleep the past few days, and he was beginning to show the effects of a constantly ever active mind. He slowly rose from his bed, a ceiling fan circulating air above, and began his morning with a look in the bathroom mirror. As his reflection looked back at him, he stood and began to wonder about many things he was going through.

For the past 5 months, life hadn't been an easy road for Jackson. His former love left him with a broken heart on new years. After a while, he worked up the courage to go on the road to finding himself, and as the months progressed, so did his understanding of everything around, and within. It was a late night like any other when he found out that the girl he had been so in love with was with another man.

It was at that instant whilst he looked into this mirror, that he realized that his world was no longer the same. That all his work and dedication had put him only into a state of disbelief; a lack of words only gave way to one question: "What now?"

He had attended college for the past 5 years, and was preparing to go into the world to pursue his dreams. He had passion unlike anyone else, and he had a mind that was always swimming with and endless flow of ideas. As he contemplated the positives, he remembered something that a relative of his told him as he was growing up:

"A heavy heart bears the weight of one of life's greatest lessons"

Daily Free Verse # 1: "Shade"

A hammock sways lightly

The breeze carries my thoughts

Waves gently comb the shoreline in the distance

A tree’s shade cools the sand where I lay

It’s a shame you aren’t here to kiss me

Benign thoughts of love

Inspire me to write

It’s a shame that they call this paradise

It's a beautiful world

When you wake up every morning, what do you see? is it that alarm clock blaring in your face, letting you know you only have so many minutes before you're going to be late, and that you only have so many hours in a day? Is it a recollection of the dreams you slumbered through last night, wondering how things that seem to have no relevance to one another seemed to make so much sense in your head the night before? Is it a picturesque view just outside your window as it invites the light of a morning sun into the room, bathing the walls in a soft, warm glow?

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and honestly, while that is true, then why do we spend so much time comparing ourselves to others? Why is it that we can't just sit back, crack open a cold one, look off into the distance and simply enjoy what you see, and not others? I suppose this is overgeneralizing a bit, but if everyone embraced themselves like they embraced each unique feat of nature, maybe we would all get along better.

Think about it: Individuality is a beautiful thing. We love it so much, that we pay through the nose to get to see it. You won't find the great wall in Italy, and you won't find Niagra Falls in your back yard; but yet we always think that for some reason a post card on the fridge might just do the trick, when in reality, we all know it barely scratches the surface. So while we're spending our days catching up on the latest gossip on Kim or Lindsey Lohan, it seems like a lot of people like to build around the trends, scandals, quotes, and dirt that they broadcast to the media...why?

Why do so many of us sit back and watch others live life, and devoid ourselves of our own personality, when there is quite literally a world out there just waiting to be explored? You know that nosebleed section Miley ticket you might have spent over $100 on, just to see her dance on an Escalade? Why not a day trip? I'm not saying that someone is ignorant if they prefer a Half-Naked 23 year old to the stunning views of the Chicago skyline or the tranquility of the north woods of Wisconsin, but, I mean, what's the big fucking deal with "celebs" anyway?

Before, we looked up to celebrities because they were role models; someone that understood the concept of "leading by example". Frank Sinatra became a household name, not because he wore a tuxedo, but because he followed his passion, which inspired like minded people to do the same. Now though, the people we consider "celebrities" just don't seem that way; but let's not get the naysayers all heated up about this, because as I mentioned before, this is not a generalization.

So take the advice from either me, or someone you look up to: be yourself. Stop following trends, and start setting them. Everyone is under the impression that following a trend makes you "cool", and, i'm sorry, but that just isn't necessarily the case any more. Set your own trends and go out and experience life on your level. You never know what you'll learn.

A letter to my world.

I wasn't the best guy in the world to you. I wasn't giving you what you deserved. I let small things get big, and sometimes I didn't know what to say in the end. But there were always three words that I always wanted to say to you at the end of each and every day.

I love you.

I loved the way you looked at me. I loved the way you made me laugh. I loved the way you fit so perfectly into my arms, that it was as if nothing else in this unforgiving world mattered. I loved how optimistic and passionate you were. I loved everything about you; but there was one problem.

Me.

I didn't treat you as well as you deserved. I made countless mistakes, and I wasn't there for you when you needed me at times. I know I wasn't the best. I know I don't deserve you, and even now, despite everything I've done to change myself for the better, and make sure that I knew I was ready for you, I still get nervous every time I see you; because the river of emotions that ran through my veins when I saw your smile every morning still coarses through me, only now like a poison that I hope doesn't scar my bleeding heart. But there was something you didn't know about me after we broke up that night in January.

I still loved you.

For the next 6 months, I dug. I dug deeper and deeper to right my wrongs, and better myself. I searched for answers to the problems, and used them to face everything head on. It was a battle. A battle that took its toll on me emotionally.

I missed you.

Every night I missed your voice. Every night I wish you would be there to see that the past need not be the present; that I had worked to prove to myself I can deserve someone like you, and that this heart of mine is still capable of loving you. You were an angel to me. You were the girl that I wanted nothing more than to give nothing less than the world to. So the past 6 months, I worked to ensure that I could be the person I wanted to be, and the man that you deserved.

Watching you walk away is the single hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. The emotions ride through me like a roller coaster. My mind is full of the memories of our late nights, with you in my arms, and not a care in the world. My thoughts have your name in them, and they buzz around my head like an angry hornet, taking stabs at a heart that I was once proud to say belonged to you.

I still love you.

I hope that in time our paths might cross again, and that you'll see that I am new, yet still familiar. This broken heart of mine might never heal, but it will always love you, and everything about you.

You

(intro)

I made my way down that old road
To the place where we first met
It was an old house on the main street
yeah i'll never forget

You looked into my eyes
you had a way about your smile
it always made my heart stop
and stare for a while

soon we started talkin'
almost every single day
then the time finally came
when I knew what I wanted to say

(bridge)

Those three words now
yeah they meant so much
now I miss your smile
and I miss your touch

So here I am
ill let it out
you're the sun in my sky
you're still all I care about

(chorus)

and
I miss you
like the night misses the day
so come on back
and take my breath away
Baby don't leave
come on and stay a while

I miss you
layin in the back of my truck
singin our songs
until we fell in love
Now i'm layin here
wonderin' what im gonna do now

I miss youuuuuuuu (x2)

I miss youuuuuuuu (x2)

(breakdown)

So I made my way down
to that old bar down the street
the place where we would dance together
slowly swayin to the beat

the hardest part about loving you
was watching you walk away
feeling lost without a choice
I knew what I wanted to say

I know I wasn't perfect
I had some things to fix
but I never thought i'd come up short
I never thought it'd be like this

Those three words now
yeah they meant so much
now I miss your smile
and I miss your touch

So here I am
ill let it out
you're the sun in my sky
you're still all I care about

(chorus)

and
I miss you
like the night misses the day
so come on back
and take my breath away
Baby don't leave
come on and stay a while

I miss you
layin in the back of my truck
singin our songs
until we fell in love
Now i'm layin here
wonderin' what im gonna do now

I miss youuuuuuuu (x2)

I miss youuuuuuuu (x2)

There's not a minute that goes by
when you aren't on my mind
I wish I could take it all back
and I could rewind time

to that night that I first met you
i'd know just what to say
you were the stars above at night
and the light of my day

But the clouds moved in
so now its pourin down rain
now that you aren't in my arms
things just aren't the same

Those three words now
yeah they meant so much
now I miss your smile
and I miss your touch

So here I am
ill let it out
you're the sun in my sky
you're still all I care about

I loved you
hearin that music play
volume up and singin' all day
Baby don't leave
come on and stay a while

I loved you
laying in the back of my truck
kissin your lips until we fell in love
Now i'm layin' here
I haven't got a clue

I love youuuuuuuu (x2)

I love youuuuuuuu (x2)

(mini break - acoustic)

I loved you
hearin that music play
volume up and singin' all day
Baby don't leave
come on and stay a while

(chorus)

I loved you
laying in the back of my truck
kissin your lips until we fell in love
Now i'm layin' here
I haven't got a clue

Her

This is a note for her; for a girl that somehow found her way into my life, just as it was taking a turn for the worst. This is for the girl that I never thought i'd have a chance with; but would end up becoming the single most important person in my life. For the girl that Brought me out of the shadows. For the girl that cleaned up my style and stuck with me even though I had no fashion sense.

This is for the girl that stuck around even though I didn't say a word to her for the first week I knew her, but eventually found myself driving to Madison most weekends just to be with her. This is for the girl that turned my life around and helped me become who I am today; for the girl that stuck with me through situations where most would walk away. For the girl that endured so many late nights, hard talks, tough decisions, long arguments, short walks, and setbacks just to help me turn my life around. This is for the girl that means everything to me. This is for the girl that stayed when most would rather walk away.

This is for the girl that inspired me. Who got me up in the mornings, and kept me buried in my books at night. For the girl that carried me home from the bar; who would wake me up early just to get her coffee. For the girl that made me watch countless hours of girly Netflix shows, and eventually made it a tradition. For the girl that taught me for the first time in a while that I shouldn't be afraid of myself - of my heart - of her.

This is for the girl that warmed my heart, lit up my eyes and left me speechless every time I saw her. For the girl that still gets me nervous every time I see her. For the girl that loved me for who I was. for the girl that bettered me. For the girl that showed me what the meaning of that four letter word really was.

2.28.2014 - The Game (part 1)

The field sat in the hazy fog of an Autumn Friday night; the stadium lamps casting bright beams of light, dispersing as they hit the plush, green grass. In the home stands, six thousand fans chanted the name of our team as we began to emerge from the locker room. Between it and the field stood a barrage of fans, all held back by the security officers as they shouted chants and phrases to get us pumped up. This was an important night for our team, but more importantly, for me.

 High School football is a past time unlike any other. Sure, you can go on to play the sport in college, and even go pro; but nothing compares to the purity, atmosphere, or intensity of high school football. It's one of the greatest American sports stories; the kind where the close victories and losses are forever engraved in cinematography. For seniors like me, we wouldn't have another season of Friday nights to prepare for. It was quite simple; the winning team got one more game on High School football's main stage - state. The losing team went home, and cleaned out their lockers. As I stepped out into the open, the cool air and foggy mist replaced the stale and hot air of the crowded locker room. There was something about the field that I couldn't place my finger on. It always seemed like the stadium grew in size when I saw thousands of fans ready for what would be the show of a life time.

Despite what many may think, no feeling compares to the tense, adrenaline pumping feeling I got during the pre-game warm ups we would do. The lineman were in the end zone, practicing their steps. The backs and receivers competed against one another in passing drills, only getting faster, and more aggressive as the pre game clock wound down, and kickoff drew closer. The defensive line responded to the whistles with a defining grunt, letting the team at the other end of the field know that while they were here, they weren't welcome.

 In the minutes leading up to the end of the national anthem, a transformation takes place. A mutual feeling of respect, tenacity, and power takes over. The silence of the national anthem pays respects to those who fought for our country, but to a football team and their coaches, is the calm before the storm. For two minutes, everything fell silent. My thoughts were festooned with the plays, strategies and tactics of the game. The only noise that befell my ears was the muffled sound of a soft feminine voice as she hit the highest note of the anthem; and as it ended, the loud bang of red white and blue fireworks signaled the end of six days of preparation, and the beginning of a fierce battle that would determine who gets to wear their jersey next Friday, and who never gets the privilege again.

Kickoff. To many, it is simply how the game has to start. For the teams, it's the most important play of the game. For 10 seconds, a short, but intense battle takes over the field. Unlike traditional down plays which may occupy ten to fifteen yards at a time, the Kickoff is a battle between 22 players that can take up the entire length of the field. The key to winning here is not so much brute strength, as it is strategy, precision, and speed. One false move could open up a gap for the returning team to run through, and in terms of confidence, can knock the wind right out of the sails of the kicking team if they are unable to prevent a return. We were kicking.

All season, we had not allowed a single return, and as the ball sailed into the air, everyone followed it right into the hands of the returning team. For the next ten seconds, we observed anxiously as our players closed in on the runner. The violent sound of clapping pads and banging helmets, coupled with the crippling grunts began to make its way over to our sideline as the ball came back down the field. The runner was making good progress, and as we saw a gap begin to open, the away crowd began to rise in uproar, cheering him on as he darted back inside. Just before he got a quarter of the way back down the field, however, a blind side hit sent him back toward our sideline, and onto a bench, the immense tackle spilling a rack of Gatorade bottles along the way. The game had started, first blood had been drawn, and in the next fourty-five minutes, we would find out who would draw more of it.

At halftime, things didn't look promising. We were down six and we had lost two of our best offensive players to leg and back injuries. The team seemed gassed, our jerseys were covered in mud, blood, and fabric-torn battle scars, and the strategies we were using constantly found themselves in a state of "check-mate" as the game wore on. Many things seemed uncertain as we headed back out onto the field, but after a stern talk with the head coach, there was one thing that was certain - we would give it everything. Every player on the field was demanded to leave every ounce of strength, power, and courage out between the lines. This wasn't a football game anymore; it was the fight of our lives.

In the third quarter, we had made huge progress. Our defense had managed to hold off their offense, and our offense had managed to tack on two more scores, which put us up by six as we headed into the final quarter.

 

 

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